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"Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying."
Thursday, 31 January 2013 01:28 pmI feel stupid. Often; as though I don't have a clue how the world works; just when I think I've got some idea, something else gets thrown into the mix or new data is received and I have to re-evaluate. This is good, I suppose, but in the meantime, I feel like a dumb animal, puffing out my chest with pretended Wisdom and Knowledge of All Things, while in truth, I secretly think that Life is something more akin to an extended round of Calvinball.
It's uncomfortable, this always feeling like an idiot. You'd think I would be used to it by now, because it's been an ongoing condition for decades.
But instead of worrying about the world and how it works and/or is broken, maybe I just need to focus on the little things in front of me, since those are the things that I can possibly change and affect. I'm a musican and a performer; I love the art of Salvador Dali, the music of Beethoven and the poetry of W.H. Auden, to name only a few. I enjoy cooking, although my repertoire at this point is little more than omelettes and French toast. I believe that good, well-made clothing that reflects one's personal style is one of the best investments one can make in one's life. And thanks to 2012 and my lovely lady, I've been bitten by the Travel Bug, having visited Paris and Montréal and looking forward to doing it again.
Most importantly, I've known love, both the giving and the receiving of it. To borrow from Jeanette Winterson, love is a clear single happiness, and I would not give it up to save my soul.
So, you know, maybe it all balances out. I don't have a lot of answers, but I have had some experiences living. That's a good start, right?
So, as always, the question is: what am I going to do?
First, it has been suggested to me by my lovely lady (may her wonders never cease), that one good exercise that I could be doing right now would be to eliminate the word "should" from my vocabulary. Don't talk about what you "should" do: declare what you are/are not going to do and then do it (or not). it's a great suggestion, really, an exercise in making clear decisions and then acting on them.
Also, I need to work on making music a larger presence in my life - more music, more kinds of music; performing and composing both my own works and those of others. We all have something to say, and we can be working together. I tend to say "I need to save some money so that I can do (fill in the blank)," which is really just me finding an excuse to validate my fears of striking out and making things happen.
Finally, I need to accept the fact that I'm going to keep making mistakes. Lots of them, and sometimes I'll make the same mistakes more than once. It doesn't make me a bad person, possibly just a stupid one. It's not the end of the world, and it's not like I can't keep trying to get things right.
It's uncomfortable, this always feeling like an idiot. You'd think I would be used to it by now, because it's been an ongoing condition for decades.
But instead of worrying about the world and how it works and/or is broken, maybe I just need to focus on the little things in front of me, since those are the things that I can possibly change and affect. I'm a musican and a performer; I love the art of Salvador Dali, the music of Beethoven and the poetry of W.H. Auden, to name only a few. I enjoy cooking, although my repertoire at this point is little more than omelettes and French toast. I believe that good, well-made clothing that reflects one's personal style is one of the best investments one can make in one's life. And thanks to 2012 and my lovely lady, I've been bitten by the Travel Bug, having visited Paris and Montréal and looking forward to doing it again.
Most importantly, I've known love, both the giving and the receiving of it. To borrow from Jeanette Winterson, love is a clear single happiness, and I would not give it up to save my soul.
So, you know, maybe it all balances out. I don't have a lot of answers, but I have had some experiences living. That's a good start, right?
So, as always, the question is: what am I going to do?
First, it has been suggested to me by my lovely lady (may her wonders never cease), that one good exercise that I could be doing right now would be to eliminate the word "should" from my vocabulary. Don't talk about what you "should" do: declare what you are/are not going to do and then do it (or not). it's a great suggestion, really, an exercise in making clear decisions and then acting on them.
Also, I need to work on making music a larger presence in my life - more music, more kinds of music; performing and composing both my own works and those of others. We all have something to say, and we can be working together. I tend to say "I need to save some money so that I can do (fill in the blank)," which is really just me finding an excuse to validate my fears of striking out and making things happen.
Finally, I need to accept the fact that I'm going to keep making mistakes. Lots of them, and sometimes I'll make the same mistakes more than once. It doesn't make me a bad person, possibly just a stupid one. It's not the end of the world, and it's not like I can't keep trying to get things right.